Feeling the feelings...

Today so much of me was sad about choosing Sophia's school. Part of me really regrets not being able to make this decision with Steve. Part of me wants us to be able to do the decision-making together and we are not in a situation to do that.

The emotions were overwhelming for a few minutes. Not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to have to make a decision alone.

Not wanting to rely on my feelings to make the decision. Feeling pressure to make the decision to meet another person's (Steve's) needs. When the only person whose needs I need to consider in this situation is Sophia's needs.

Grieving the loss of a partner with whom to make this decision. Grieving a joint-decision-making process. Acknowledging that I am not yet over the hurt of the affair. That the affair still affects my decision-making. Here, it was one more thing that pushed my feelings over the edge.

I get to decide based on what I need. I get to feel my feelings in order to make a decision. I get to decide based on what I think might be best for Sophia. And it may be what's best for me that is also best for her.

What I do know now is that it is good for me to really feel my feelings. To talk it out. To push beyond my cognitive thoughts and enter into that realm of sadness or hurt. It is in the land of the emotional that I admit truths.

Many things could / will change for you and Sophia. Homes, people, schools, lives...

...

Faith. Have faith.

Faith in God.

Faith in Friends.

Faith in You.

New Shan New blog

I will always capitalize my name.

This is my new space. For choosing to not associate other people's perceptions with my impression of myself. I am allowed to love myself - and not be bad - totally independent of what other people think.

If they do not like me, or if they do not accept me, or if they even sniff that I may be mean, it does NOT affect who I am and how I feel about myself.

Others' perceptions do NOT dictate my value.
Others' perceptions do NOT dictate my worth.
Others' perceptions do NOT dictate my self.
Others' perceptions do NOT dictate me.